Family Bonding (With Alcohol, Dementors, and Other Hijinks)
by Nemesis13
Summary: Dudley Dursley was a thuggish, self centered, and self serving individual, and he knew it. One day though, the cousin he'd been told all his life was nothing more than a worthless freak blew up at him and unloaded his entire, insane existance. His parent's were nuts, Harry wasn't the freak, it was the idiots he was forced to exist with, aside from that dentist's daughter at least
1. Chapter 1

**Been stewing on this one for over 9 months, this is my Dudley Reconciliation fic, Lady Lily Anne added quite a bit of the elements to it yet...this is definitely something I've wanted to do for awhile longer then being friends with her. She _loves_ the idea though and while she wanted it to be a one shot I'm thinking a trilogy would work better. If the grammars off don't worry I'll fix it soon, please REVIEW**

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"Hey Big D, beat up another ten year old?"

The words had left Harry's mouth before he could stop himself, bloody Gryffindor mentality. Hermione would have likely cuffed him on the back of the head for offering up such an open invitation for confrontation.

Oh well, in for a pence, in for a pound.

"This one had it coming to him," the older boy responded with a sneering glare, as if daring Harry to reply.

Who, since he'd already gotten himself into this unwanted position, decided hey, why not see it to the end?

"Five against one, all of you at the minimum four years older than him. Very brave, I'm sure your mum is proud."

He had _tried_ to sound sarcastic, but it had come out as a dry monotone, which, if you took Dudley's gang members hesitant glances into context, had actually sounded rather scathing.

Brilliant, he really needed to hang out with Dean more often, the bloke really was good at actor impersonations, and his Professor Snape was simply _amazing_.

Dudley just sneered in return, "Well you're one to talk, moaning in your sleep every night? At least I ain't afraid of my pillow."

Harry's eyes narrowed at that as he glanced to the surrounding playground in consternation, and decided to take a page out of Hermione's book on this one.

"The contraction 'Ain't' isn't actually a word Big D, sorry to say. Although the entirety of the English language is an act of making words up and running with them so I suppose my point is slightly invalidated. Regardless nice attempt."

The look of utter confusion on all the boy's faces had made taking that barb worthwhile, suffer in grammatical purgatory you linguistic heathens! Suffer under the brut-

"Don't kill Cedric!" Dudley spat out with a mocking laugh, and any humor Harry found in this situation had now dissolved to ashes that quickly blew away on the wind.

As the other boys laughed Dudley grinned cruelly, in a manner much like his worthless father, "Who's Cedric, your boyfriend?"

As the boys laughed Harry closed his eyes and tried to contain he rage, which Dudley was making incredibly difficult at the moment.

"He's going to kill me mum! Heh...Where is your mum, Potter?"

Oh no you fucking didn't.

Dudley continued on oblivious to the minefield he was now skipping through, "Is she dead, is she dead Potter?"

Harry seethed and felt his magic roiling about him as he glared at his cousin, every iota of willpow-

"Did she even ever love you?"

Yup

Fuck it, he had enough.

This shit was on.

"For your information 'Big D' I happen to have nightmares due to the fact that I remember the night my mother was brutally murdered by a terrorist right in front of me when I wasn't even quite two years old. Who, by luck and my mum's own ingenuity more than anything, only managed to give me this bloody scar rather then off me with my parents!"

Pointing to his scarred forehead as he felt the fire in his belly build up Harry stood to his full, and unimpressive height, thankfully the faint glow of his emerald gaze seemed to mesmerize the gang into stunned silence.

"As an aside, my dad was a bobby, by the ranking system you go by, a Detective Inspector at the age of twenty-one. My mum had multiple doctorates and was a high level researcher operating directly under the Crown. They were never 'worthless drunkards' like 'Aunt' Petunia has told the entire neighborhood since you lot bloody moved in here. Your shrew mother was just jealous her sister didn't settle for a fat miser walrus and instead married into bloody nobility."

Harry laughed at that, its pitch was off and his entire demeanor shifted to something slightly manic as he shook his head in disgust, "Did you know? When I turn seventeen I'm to be a bloody Earl!? Me, the worthless _FREAK_ who even his own family cannot love is supposed to take his father's mantle, and the only one who bothered to tell me is my prison escapee godfather!"

Throwing his hands in the air he began pacing while glaring at the ground, the surrounding boys too dumbstruck to say anything before he spun and faced them while screaming out, "AND HE IS _**INNOCENT**_!"

At the last word, every window, glass, piece of pottery and ceramic shingle in a half kilometer radius shattered, this was of course noticed by no one but Dudley who simply gulped silently.

"They never even tried him! The bloody morons just sent him off to the worst prison in the world on nothing but hearsay and because of that I had to grow up hated and alone with _**YOU**_!"

Dudley lifted his eyes at the rumbling sky with a twitch of fear, yup, bit of a thunder with that one.

His cronies rather glanced away obviously remembering all the times they tormented the boy, but young Harry wasn't done, not by a long shot.

"So thanks to the lovely isolationist world I was forced to be a part of having _nothing_ resembling common sense, I had to live with you... _people._ I was forced to sleep in the cupboard under the stairs until I was eleven, and if I ever asked why I didn't have a room of my own your father whipped me with his belt! I was forced to cook your meals from the time I could reach the stove on a chair, and if I dared ask for a bit of what I'd made you all?"

Harry smirked as he turned and glared at his cousin, "Your mother would beat me over the skull with a frying pan, and when I wouldn't just die she'd curse at me and throw me back into my cupboard."

His friends stared at Dudley in horror and even the boy in question felt his eyes bulge at this revelation, how could that be true?

After a moments reflection, he couldn't understand how it _wasn't_ true. His parents blamed Harry for everything after all.

"When I finally, finally find out there are people who actually want me in their lives, who want to take me to a wonderful 'magical' world, _**EVERY BLOODY THING IN IT TRIES TO KILL ME AND MY FRIENDS**_!"

Wheezing in heavy breaths Harry eventually let out a bitter laugh as he met Dudley's gaze evenly, "First year at that rudding school, a wild animal nearly kills a girl I now call my dearest friend. I was forced to kill a professor who was working for the man who murdered my parents as he tried to off me in his stead.

"Thing that terrified me the most was I didn't even feel bad about it all.

"Second year, another wild animal is let lose in the school, several students are hurt, including Hermione, again. I killed the animal, less for heroic reasons and more because it went after my friend and other friends sister... I'm...loyal like that, rarely works in my benefit.

"Third year, my godfather escapes hell on earth to protect me from the man who actually betrayed my parents and got them killed, and even though he's a bit batty, he's brilliant. He wanted me to move in with him you know? Been in prison for a decade, barely know him, and I was willing to do it, to take the chance. To get away from you _people."_ The entire group of boys winced at that as Harry stared at the sky forlornly, "Sadly, and expectantly, any chance I had to finally be free of you and your freak parents was stolen away by a man I despise via his petty grudges.

"Really, fuck you Snape, seriously... Heh...you don't get it...whatever."

Grinning widely regardless Harry snapped his head back towards Dudley and quickly walked up to the teen, eyes afire with near madness, his nose almost touching his cousin's, and he continued on.

"Fourth year, last year? I had to get my best friend away from a terrorist attack at a sporting event led by people who would love nothing more then to torture, rape, and murder Hermione in front of me. Because they don't view her as a human being due to her birth class, and especially because it would hurt me deeply.

"After surviving that, I had to go back to that school, again, and was forced to compete in a blood sport I wanted no part in, and the only person who believed I hadn't entered was once again, Hermione. I was mauled by a dangerous animal, near drowned saving my friends from the bottom of a lake, and then forced to see CEDRIC summarily executed by the same man who betrayed my parents, all while he arranged the return of the THING that murdered them."

Harry smirked as he crossed his arms and shook his head slowly, "Big D, I'm not the scrawny little slip of a kid you used to 'Harry Hunt.'

"I've seen some shit, and you don't even rate on the scale anymore."

Dudley stared at Harry for several moments, glanced to his stunned friends, then turned back to Harry while evaluating his entire past with his cousin, and that thought caught him off guard.

His cousin, outside of his parents and Aunt Marge, Harry Potter was literally the only family he had in the world. Mulling that over a bit, taking in what Harry had just spent five minutes ranting about, and deciding he really didn't mind if it pissed off mum and dad, Dudley Dursley came to a decision that would change things for a great long while.

"Bloody Hell Harry if shite really was that bad why didn't you say anything about it!? Mum and dad have the neighborhood thinking you're going off to a delinquent school while they had me believing you were living in a magical castle! Christ..."

Throwing a heavy arm around an incredibly shocked Harry's thin shoulders Dudley began leading him towards his gangs hideout, "You need a drink...or six, and then you can tell us more about this crazy murder school of yours. Oh and that bird of yours, Hemminy?"

"Hermione, and we're not together, she's like a sister to me really..." Harry corrected looking completely baffled.

Dudley eyed him a moment before shaking his head slowly, "Harry, you don't even know what it's like to have parents that care about you, and that ain't an insult. If ya don't know what an actual basic nuclear family is suppose to feel like, what the bloody hell do you know about a bird that dedicated to you being nothing more than a sister figure?"

Well...that...right...well...huh...

What the hell was going on? Dudley was being kind, and commiserating with him, giving... _relationship advice?_ The rest of the gang was eyeing him with respect, and he was soon inside of an abandoned shed where he was pushed onto a moldering couch.

A moment later a glass of something clear was shoved into his hands, Dudley had a similar one and downed it in a gulp smacking his lips in appreciation, Harry shrugged and mirrored the boys actions.

The liquid burned, it seared, it roiled down his throat and landed in his stomach with such a lurch he felt like he was about to vomit it all back up, while coughing Piers handed him a cracked open can of a Coke that Harry readily downed.

"Yeah, we shoulda warned you, this is Tim's Da's moonshine, nurse that pop, you'll be needing it in a bit. So tell us about this bird of yours, is she a looker?"

Shaking his head and trying not to sway too much Harry leaned into the chair as the surrounding boys leaned towards him. After a few minutes the burning pain in his stomach became a warm glow, that spread out to his limbs, and made him feel lighter. Despite the weird situation, despite his earlier rant, and despite whatever the hell he just drank, he figured it was ok to talk about his best friend.

"'Er names Hermione Granger, don't ever call her Hermy, and only I'm allowed to call her 'mione."

"Why?" One of the boys asked, which Harry only shrugged at while sipping his Coke before replying a moment later.

"Cause she said she's mine and I'm her's? Or something like that..."

Dudley groaned as he held his face in his palms while the other boys snickered, eventually Dudley turned to a confused Harry before shaking his head slowly in consternation.

"You poor blind fool... Go on?"

"Her hair used to be this gnarled mess of curls, but after last year it looks like...wavy brown silk?"

"Oh Christ he has it so hard and has no idea," Piers groaned while being ignored by all.

"Brown eyes, you know, when she knows yer lying... Shortish I suppose... The Y...Christmas ball though...she had a periwinkle gown, and...and I was so jealous of her date I wanted to...ugh..."

The boys let out a collected disappointed sigh before Dudley asked, "What is she to you? Really?"

Harry thought about it before nodding once, "I'd be dead sooooooo many times without her help. Like seriously Big D?" At the mention of his nickname Dudley grinned as he motioned Harry to continue on, "Like she is so smart. Super smart, but no one appreciates it, none of them. They ostrosized ...ostriched...ostro..."

"Ostracized?" Piers offered up helpfully, and Harry grinned in thanks as he continued on.

"Yeah that, they ostriched her to the point she wanted to just leave...then my best mate...well...ok...first friend insulted her and made her run and hide in a washroom. Girls and crying...always makes me uncomfortable..."

Every boy in the room mumbled in agreement as Harry took a sip from his glass of moonshine and a sip from his Coke before he smacked his lips and grinned, "Pretty good!"

Dudley let out a snicker as he patted Harry's shoulder before he continued on, "Anyway, someone let a wild animal into the school, and they ordered us back to the dorms with this...bear wandering the halls..."

"A bloody _bear!?"_ One of the gang asked incredulously, and Harry only nodded in turn before sighing to the ceiling.

"Yeah, about that I guess, anyway, I forced Ron, my friend who hurt 'mione's feelings to help me and go fetch her since the prefects were bloody USELESS and wouldn't listen to us that there was a twelve year old girl alone and in danger.

"Bloody gits man, seriously the lot of them. Anyway, Ron and I get to the loo she's in and wouldn't you know it, she's being attacked by the bear."

The boys froze at that as Harry rubbed the bridge of his nose slowly before snorting in amusement, "I dunno what I was thinking at the time. Thing was about swipe 'mione, all I had was a stick, so I jumped on the rudding things back and jammed it right up its nose."

The surrounding boys leaned forward letting out various words of exclamation, Dudley's the loudest, "You didn't!"

Harry grinned sipping on more the clear liquid, "Oh I did, and my _God_ did that piss it off. Anyway while it's runn'in around try'in to dislodge a chopstick from its nose Ron rolls this rudding huge piece of timber out from a higher ledge and *Bam!* the bear is clocked in the head. It goes out, we get in trouble, and become the best of friends..."

Harry sipped his liquor again before sighing while shaking his head, "Till Ron got..."

"Not talk'in about Ron, we're talk'in about yer girl, what was she like after the bear?" Harry blinked and glanced aside for a moment before shrugging lightly.

"Well...'mione's 'mione ya know? She's always there for me, always willing to protect me even when I don't rudding well need it...that damn broom... She...she was literally the only person that not only believed me but also stood beside me in that tournament. And...and when I brought Cedric's body back..."

He didn't mean to cry, he didn't, and he drank more of the magical clear happy liquid but it didn't make the pain go away, it just made him gag. Eventually Dudley took the glass from him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders before muttering out a simple question.

"What did she do when you brought your friends body back?"

Harry sat there, sulked then whispered, "She told me it wasn't my fault, and that I shouldn't blame myself."

Piers then spoke up for the group, "Do you care about her?"

Harry snorted, "Of course," Piers nodded once before speaking again.

"You care for her? Does she care the same for you?" Harry actually gave the boy a Snape level sneer which for some reason only had him grinning back as Harry snarled out his reply.

"Of course!"

Dudley then asked, "Why aren't you dating her then? Sounds like this school of yours is a load of rubbish and you look after each other. Why shouldn't you do it as a couple, together?"

Harry's eyes widened in horror as his stomach lurched, and soon he threw up on the floor. Eventually Dudley was able to get some water down his throat, and after a time got Harry somewhat coherent. Really it was Big D's fault, he forgot his cousin likely had no tolerance for this sort of swill, so begrudgingly he and Piers each took an arm over the shoulder and began walking back to 4 Privet Drive.

Midway through their journey Harry came to a moment, turned his head to meet Dudley's gaze and rasped out, "I'm in love with Hermione!"

"No fucking shit," Piers drawled out, causing Harry to meet the boys gaze with panic obvious in his eyes.

"What do...What do I tell Ron!?"

Dudley snorted at that with a wider grin, "Back off you worthless sod, or you'll be sorry."

Harry grinned at that then nodded, "Ok!"

Once back home Dudley and Piers laid Harry out on the couch, wishing his friend farewell Dudley spent the next few hours feeding Harry water and leading him to the loo. After 5am he sat on the couch, letting Harry rest his head on his lap, and passed out.

As it ended up his parents saw the scene in the morning and didn't quite know what to make of it, the _freak_ was nuzzled up to their Duddikens, but neither of them seemed to be bother with it.

Being the perfectly normal people they were they decided to go out for the day, so as to not be involved with...whatever was going on.

"Harry, you need to wake up."

Oh sweet Circe...everything hurt. He remembered most of last night, he thought, Dudley and he sorta kinda came to terms, he got drunk, admitted he was in love with Hermione and...

Oh fucking shitting hell he was in love with his best friend!

What was he gonna tell Ron!?

'Back off you worthless sod, or you'll be sorry,' oh, yes.

Wise words Big D.

"HARRY FUCKING WAKE UP NOW THERE ARE MONSTERS TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE WINDOWS!"

Snapping his eyes open Harry sat up as his head very nearly clipped a concerned Big D's own cranium and he couldn't help but let a brow raise in consternation.

Because, it would appear directly outside of 4 Privet Drive, two dementors were caught before the window like moths in a bug zapper.

"Well...that's a thing..."

Dudley eyed his cousin for a few moments before snorting in amusement, "Potter...write a bloody letter to whoever is in charge of that madhouse world so we can get this over with and hit the hideout..."

Right the hideout, were more of that horrid, rancid, mind altering and fun inducing liquid was. Currently being blocked by soul vampires...

Time to write a letter to the DMLE...


	2. Commiserating, Girls, and Owls

**No specific help but most definitely blessed by the lovely Lady Lily Anne. It was her encouragement to get this out of my system so we could actually focus on our other works that caused this to be done so quickly after the initial chapter after all.**

 **Also she gave this story its final name, because every one I chose sucked, by the old gods I really need to send that woman a fruit basket or something...**

 **Regardless please enjoy and review!**

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"I need parchment," Harry stated with a sigh as he glanced at the cupboard under the stairs doing his best to ignore the monumental headache hammering through his skull. Dudley scratched his head in frustration then began shaking it slowly as he put two and two together while cursing his parents xenophobia for the first, but not last time.

"Dad's got the keys Harry, we're gonna have to break the lock off to get your stuff out..."

Much to Dudley's surprise Harry grinned coyly as he dipped his hand into a pocket of his oversized hand-me-down trousers and plucked out a set of fine wire looking things. Moving over to the cupboard Dudley simply observed Harry as he methodically began inserting the wires into the lock picking it with practiced ease.

Feeling fairly impressed the older boy soon asked, "Holy hell Harry...how long have you known how to do that?"

Harry smirked grimly as the lock popped and he pulled it off the hasp, tossing it aside he turned to Dudley and shrugged once.

"Since I was eight, I didn't want to starve to death, and there were plenty of paperclips to practice with. Useful skill to have really, especially when wizards only put up counters to magic, not the mundane. Magicals, seriously, fools the lot of them..."

As Harry swung the door open and dragged his trunk out Dudley decided to help and lifted the other end, Harry sent him a look of thanks and they soon dropped it in the middle of the living room. Snapping the clasps open Harry drew out a fresh sheet of parchment and a quill, frowning he glanced at the trunk for a moment before sighing in annoyance.

"Dudley you got a Biro about you?" Dudley rolled his eyes as he walked to the kitchen and began riffling through a drawer.

"Yes Harry I happen to carry pens and pencils about while I roam the neighborhood. Alas the ink ran out in my last one so please let me check mum's stock."

Harry paused a moment before letting out a light laugh while slamming his trunk shut, "Well as I live and breath. My cousin is actually making friendly jokes at my expense without being cruel, I'll have to mark my calendar."

Dudley threw his newly found pen at Harry's head but the Quiditch junkie caught it without a glance all while clicking the button at its top to extend the tip.

"Thank's Big D, so how should I address this? I was thinking 'Dear Ministry Assholes' but that seems a bit...crass..."

Dudley glanced out the window to the still spasming dementors before turning back to his cousin, "Ummm...'To The Ministry Cubicle Slave it May Concern?'"

Harry grinned widely at that while writing quickly, "Oh good one, I like it!"

As Harry penned his letter Dudley opened the window and began throwing random objects at the frozen soul vampires, he found some dark amusement in the fact that that for unknown reasons, ruptured eggs stuck to the monsters and nothing else would. Five minutes later the window was closed again and Dudley was grimacing as he watched the Dementors throw up balls of white light and sparks of various colours.

"It's kinda hypnotizing really," Dudley began with a handkerchief held over his nose. "Aside from them smelling like three week old unwashed feet wrapped in leathery burnt bacon it's almost like watch'in a lava lamp ya know?"

Glancing up at his cousin and the demons held at bay Harry only snorted while shaking his head before turning back to his letter, a few minutes later he finally spoke up.

"Dudley...why?"

Dudley turned away from the demons to give Harry an incredulous look, "Why what?"

Harry dropped his pen and rubbed his hands up and down his face dislodging his glasses in the process. Eventually managing to place them back on his nose he stared his cousin down for a few moments before sighing out his response.

"Why do you care about me _now_ after all these years?"

Dudley looked contrite, then ashamed, then, oddly enough, exhausted. Eventually he moved away from the window and plopped on the couch next to Harry while throwing an arm around the younger teen's shoulders.

"Harry, yesterday, when you unloaded all that shite on me and my gang? I had to ask myself a question, a question I had no real answer to that kinda changed everything for me..."

Harry shrugged off the arm as he snatched his pen off the table and continued writing his letter, "Oh? And what was that?"

Dudley sighed as he stared at the ceiling while he threw his feet up on the table, thankfully not disrupting any of Harry's writing supplies, "Why?"

Harry glanced to his cousin with a raised brow as he echoed, "Why?"

Dudley nodded slowly as he laced his fingers together and stretched them behind his head as he began observing the speckled ceiling once again, "Yeah, why? Why did I treat you like shite, why did I beat you into the ground despite you never standing down, much less ever earning my ire to begin with? Why was I a complete and utter bastard to my only living relative that wasn't either my parents, or a horrible hag that smelled of dog piss, cabbage, and brandy."

Dudley glanced to a now paused Harry meeting his gaze evenly, "And I didn't have an answer other then, 'Its always been this way.' That ain't good reasoning cousin of mine, that's shite reasoning right there. So I decided to ignore everything mum and dad have told me to do with you over the years and I'm do'in what I want to do; and what I want to do is help my little cousin survive the crazy people he's surrounded by."

Harry placed his pen on the table, turned to Dudley and just stared at him a few moments, it wasn't long enough to disconcert the boy but it was long enough to make him raise a brow, eventually Harry extended a hand and Dudley quickly took it in his own.

Shaking their hands for a moment Harry broke the grasp smiling as he turning back to his letter, "Thank you, Dudley... for proving many wrong... Change is hard cousin, and taking it upon yourself without outside factors forcing it? You're...a good man Big D...well...you're an ok man at least, you _do_ beat up preadolescence's for getting shirty with you. Still, I'm... I'm willing to bury the past and start over if you are?"

Dudley stared at Harry a few moments before shaking his head slowly, "No...I can't bury the past Harry," said boy deflated a bit before his cousin continued, "I can't because frankly, it was all on me. I can't forget what I did to you, or arranged to happen to you but...I'm going to do my best to make sure none of that shite happens to you again..."

Harry stared at his cousin a few moment before turning away, obviously not wiping a tear away as he finished up his letter, "Thanks...Bid D...really, thanks..."

As he folded up his letter Dudley continued to speak, "Though that ten year old really did have it coming mate, called mum a cunt and said I smelled of elderberries...Piers was fairly certain the kid was mixing Monty Python quotes but we didn't get a clear answer before he started throwing dog shite at us."

Harry froze and sent his cousin a questioning glance who for his part only nodded sagely in return, "Completely true."

Harry shook his head in disbelief as he palmed through his trunk and grabbed a random envelope, placing the letter inside he sealed it and wrote out the address for the Ministry for Magic. As soon as he was done writing the letter turned bright red and began smoking.

Dudley eyed it for a moment before stating, "Fancy, is it supposed to do that?"

Harry's mind reeled back as he realized that he'd just made a howler and quickly attempted to tear it in half, but before he could Hedwig swooped into the room and snatched it in her talons flying out the now oddly open front door.

"Err..." Harry began slowly, "I just remembered that my friends Fred and George stole some very special parchment from their mother at the beginning of last year and stashed it in my trunk..."

Dudley raised a brow as he asked, "And this is a bad thing?"

Harry grimaced as he turned to Dudley and after explaining what a howler was, how smart Hedwig was, and what exactly he wrote in the letter, Dudley began cackling like a madman.

Yeah...he should really write a letter to Sirius explaining the shitstorm he had just kicked up...

"Why don't you call that bird of your's, Hermione? She might be able to help with the anthill you just kicked over."

Right, Hermione, his best friend, the girl he apparently loved, and a muggle-born, which meant she had something resembling common sense. Diving at his trunk Harry riffled through broken quills, fragments of parchment, and unread books before he found a folded up piece of notebook paper. Unfolding it Harry grinned as he saw Hermione's perfect handwriting on the slightly aged paper and gazed upon the phone number scrawled underneath a simple message. " _I'll always be there, all you have to do is call me and I'll be there."_

Bloody hell was he blind, she'd given him this at the end of their second year and...

And...

Well...why not?

Harry turned to the phone and picked the receiver off the cradle as he turned to Dudley meeting his gaze evenly, "Think your parents will care about long distance charges?"

Dudley quirked a brow as he cocked his head with an amused smile crawling up he face, "Do you honestly care?"

Harry snorted in return, "Do you?"

Dudley threw his hands up and cried to the gods above, "NO! Call your woman already Potter seriously!"

And so Harry did.

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Emma Granger was enjoying one of her few days off reading a rather saucy bodice ripper novel, occasionally sipping a cup of tea, while listening to Queen in the background. Seriously she worked hard and deserved a bit of privacy and...the phone was ringing.

Sighing Emma stuck a folded Post-It note in her book before slamming it shut while heaving herself to her feet, and considering the fact she was _maybe_ 50 kilos at best, that really wasn't saying anything.

Snatching the cordless off it's cradle she quickly stated, "Grangers, if you are selling something we don't want it." There was a very awkward pause before she got a reply from an obviously nervous boy.

"Err..Hello? My name is Harry Potter and I was hoping to speak with Hermione Ma'am?" Emma froze as her eyes widened in shock, so the letters were true, her little girl really had found someone...

"Eh...Right, wait a moment and I'll go get her." Not waiting for Harry to reply Emma bolted across the house and opened Hermione's door without even knocking, thankfully her daughter was simply reading and glanced up at her grinning mother in confusion.

"Mum, what is it?"

Emma's grin turned into a smirk before she tilted her head towards the doorway, "Harry Potter just called for you, thought you'd like to know." Hermione was on her feet faster than her mother could follow and immediately brushed past her to rush to the phone. Following said daughter Emma was highly amused at the one sided conversation she walked in on, if not slightly confused by it.

"Harry how are you! I...I'm sorry I haven't been writing but Dumbledore told us it wasn't safe to send information... Well...right I could have sent a letter but how was I to know if your relatives wouldn't just burn it? I tried calling but your aunt hung up when I said I was friends with you... Oh...Really? He honestly wants to make things work _now_ after all he did? ...Well...ok I can see your point of view... **WHAT!?** "

Emma's eyes widened as Hermiones hair stood on end, electricity running down its length in purple arcs as her brown eyes darkened, "What do you mean Dementors are stuck in your front garden Harry!? Why!?" There was a brief silence as the boy explained himself and Hermione relaxed a bit in turn, "Oh good, you wrote to the DMLE...a howler!?" Her voice became panicked and then she relaxed with an exasperated sigh, "Right...the twins...well...at least you know you're going to be heard, right?"

Emma was about to walk away when Hermione squeaked out, "What do you mean you got drunk with your cousin last night!?" She froze and leaned in to hear more but Hermione had completely frozen at the words she heard. Eventually she seemed to reach a sort of calm as she absorbed the information, hitting the speaker button she placed the handset on the table as she fell onto the couch no longer capable of standing on her own.

"Anything else you want to tell me Harry?"

There was silence for a time before the boy eventually sighed, "Well...after Big D and his gang got me going I came to a rather terrifying conclusion."

Hermione sighed at that as she shook her head slowly, "And what conclusion is that Harry?"

Her friend sighed and after a few moments replied, "I'm in love with you. Which is supremely uncomfortable for me since human interaction isn't _exactly_ my cup of tea yeah?"

Hermione froze, Emma froze, and it was as if the world froze in turn, eventually her daughter was able to speak, if only barely.

"You're in love with me?"

"Yup," Harry stated casually as his voice lilted slightly, "It took a bottle of moonshine and being egged on by Dudley and his gang to figure it out but yeah, I'm madly in love with you. As an aside, since Dudley keeps pocking my ribs to ask you this, would you like to go out on a date this weekend? Dinner and a movie and all that?"

Emma swooped into the room and grinned at a now pale faced Hermione as she turned to the still active phone, "She'll go happily Harry, and then she can introduce you to us properly."

Harry remained silent for a few moments, before another boy spoke, "That's her mum, isn't it?"

Harry sighed, "Probably."

The other voice laughed as a light patting noise was heard, "Have fun with that!"

Harry's "I hate you," was cut off by Hermione snatching the cordless off the table and turning off the speaker as she rushed into her room.

All the while Emma couldn't help grinning, her little girl had really grown up...

* * *

Amelia Bones slipped through the bustling crowds in the Ministry for Magic's atrium when she rather unfortunately ran into the Minister himself along with his undersecretary Delores Umbridge. Amelia had to do her best not to scrunch up her nose in disgust as Fudge took his lime green bowler hat off his head and began spinning it on his fingers lightly as he began speaking.

"Director Bones, good to see you, a busy day is it?" Amelia did her best not to snort in disgust, every day was busy in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, having next to no funding all but guaranteed that.

"Of course Minister, the job they say never stops even when you do, now-" She was cut off as a snowy white owl flew out of one of the floos and made a bee line for her. Not stopping the owl dropped a red envelope at her feet before swooping up to land on the rather tacky fountain of magical brethren and sat on the witches extended arm to watch the fireworks.

"Hem hem, what exactly is this about Amelia?"

Before she could dryly state, 'A letter, obviously,' to the undersecretary the howler boiled over and exploded in a ball of sparks.

 **"To the Ministry Cubical Slave it May Concern,**

 **I Harry James Potter wish to commend you for your attempted assassination of my person and to convey that it has failed hilariously. Your pet dementors are currently frying to death...errr...undeath? Well, they're currently suffering as they are stuck on the wards in my front garden at the very least. My cousin Dudley is currently throwing eggs and marshmallows at them, which is honestly rather amusing.**

 **Regardless, moving on.**

 **Honestly if that corrupt, clueless, moronic miscreant Fudge wanted me dead so much he should probably have tried harder. I mean really I've already faced Voldemort three times and kicked his arse repeatedly, not to mention facing these dementors no less than three times as well during my third year at Hogwarts.**

 **Kind of offended if truth were to be told, luckily I didn't even have to use my patronus charm since the wards around my home are so strong, lovely that.**

 **So, now that you know you can't murder me in my sleep, please come retrieve your pet soul vampires before the neighbors notice the azaleas are flash freezing.**

 **Sincerely**

 **Harry James Potter**

 **P.S. My Magically sworn (think on that a moment) Godfather Sirius Orion Black was never charged, tried, or convicted of any crime, and was simply thrown into Azkaban without a by your leave from anyone but Crouch.**

 **Oh and Fudge knows he is innocent he just listened to my Godfather's arch nemesis, the greasy git known as Severus Snape and believed we were confounded so he ordered Sirius to be kissed by a dementor without trial, again.**

 **Just the same as he did to Barty Crouch Junior after he delivered me to Voldemort so he could be resurrected by Peter Pettigrew at the cost of my blood and Cedric Diggory's life at the end of the Triwizard Tournament.**

 **P.P.S Toodles, fuck all of you, I hope Voldemort makes you lot scream before he's done with you.**

 **P.P.P.S FREEBIRD!"**

As the howler burnt to ashes Amelia raised a single brow as she glanced towards a now purple faced Fudge, and a very, very pale faced Umbridge.

"Minister, Undersecretary, is there something you would like to tell me?"

Hedwig, who was largely ignored by the foolish humans, clacked her beak in amusement before dropping off the statues and glided towards one of the waiting floos. Her message had been delivered at the perfect moment, and her job was now done, now to receive her due bacon from her Harry.

The life of a post owl was rife with trials and terrors, but Hedwig had, and always would be up to the challenge.


End file.
